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Goodbye, cruel world!

Terrie M Scott"Goodbye, cruel world!" By Terrie M. Scott, December 20, 2012 (aka Day Before the End of the World)

Well, it's been nice knowing all of you. As you may have heard those pesky Mayans predict that tomorrow is the end of the world. I am thankful I got to see THE HOBBIT before it happened. As I prepare for the zombie apocalypse, I have some thoughts I would like to share with you.

Disclaimer: I do not believe the world is going to end. Partake on this doomsday satire. I will laugh in the security of my underground bunker (protection from those giant rock things hurling towards Earth), wearing my aluminum foil hat (so the aliens can't scan my brain waves, of course) sipping my frozen margarita, surrounded by my fur babies. The rest of you guys are on your own. Go dig your own bunker. har har har.

I digress. "Preparations are now underway for all things to end at 6:11 am EST on Friday.

Despite a number of recent setbacks, The End of the World was proceeding on schedule for Dec. 21, according to a long-standing plan previously known only to astrologers and people who ate a lot of mushrooms.

The original proposal was set in motion 1,871,995 days ago by a tiny tribe of shaggy-haired coca-chewing aborigines with mathematical skills eminently superior to other local savages and all future civilizations.

"Man, those guys could count," said the late Terence McKenna, who first turned the world onto 12/21/12 in his 1974 book The Invisible Landscape, speaking via a CD left in a time capsule for this moment, which was recently dug up next to his old apartment in Hawaii.

"By the way, this whole thing was a joke. We actually put that writing on the stairs at Chichen Itza," he said in the recording.

Corporations Prepare for the Worst:

Despite this fact, as of press time, sources confirmed that the world was still Ending. Companies were proceeding with their preparations. Walt Disney Productions on Friday filed 70,456 lawsuits against U.S. and international media, claiming copyright infringement in all uses of the phrase, "The End of the World," and various derivatives, such as "World Ending," "It's Over," and "Oh, Well."

Monsanto filed a variety of patents for oxygen, nitrogen and hemoglobin, so it could sue any potential future survivors for breathing.

Speculation that The End might be preempted by global enlightenment, the New Age or a merger with the 5th dimension has turned out to be premature.

The End will come as a relief to everyone who is in debt, regrets how apathetic they've been for so long, or who is envious of anyone young and successful. Those struggling to start a diet or quit smoking can finally relax. If you received a broken speedometer ticket recently, there's no need to sign and return it.

Allstate, Prudential and Mutual of Omaha are engaged in a vicious price war, offering massive discounts on life insurance premiums. In a tsunami of insider trading, stock exchanges are flooded with investors selling short in the three-day SEC deadline before The End.

The Steroid League, a secret organization operating behind the scenes of Major League Baseball, said that it would play its first and only sudden-death World Series on Wednesday night at Yankee Stadium. Tickets sold out in 45 minutes.

And at press time, Lance Armstrong was riding the Tour de France route on a unicycle, aided by the top-secret performance-enhancing drug that he hoped would be named for him.

Political Backlash:

As the big moment approaches, Republicans are working hard to disrupt plans for The End. A visibly distraught House Speaker John Boehner said Friday that he was deeply saddened that a Democrat would be in office for The End. He sobbed poignantly as his tears flowed freely, causing a momentary short circuit in the podium's electronics.

"This is our side's issue," he said, as the speakers crackled and the lights flickered. "We've worked for a generation to bring on The End, and we're not going to allow Pres. Obama to get all the credit."

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, threatened to filibuster The End, or at least put it on hold. He said he and his colleagues would read out loud from Zombie Apocalypse parts 1-41 rather than the traditional use of the Manhattan telephone book.

"They say they've been trying to save the planet all this time," McConnell added. "Now they want it all To End. It was our idea, but I'm against it."

The Republican conference hastily put together a bill to delay The End until at least Jan. 21, 2017, when Obama would be out of office. But some said it would take more time to plan. "The world is large," the Sierra Club said in a statement. "This will take many more years."

Tea Party members objected to the expenses involved, funds which would have to be borrowed from China or Cuba. "It's cost trillions to cause the apocalypse, and it's going to cost more to clean up from it," said Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who is not really in the Tea Party, but pretends. "We already have a spending problem."

Democrats accused them of kicking the can down the road. "There's no further to kick it," said Bernie Sanders, who is actually a Socialist. "This time it's going to go right off the edge."

Survivalism Abounds:

Texas last week ran out of lethal injection drugs, and resorted to axes and machetes in its race to execute its entire roster of death row inmates before The End does it for them.

Meanwhile, survival websites were trending vigorously on Twitter. Meanwhile, Twitters were trading tuna fish recipes in record volume, getting ready for the inevitable -- that they would get sick living on the stuff after a week. "Wv bn Prpng fr yrs. Bg momnt arvng," twted one. But one commenter to the site asked, "If it's The End, why prepare for it?"

Walmarts across the country were selling out of Minute Rice, diapers and batteries. Radio Shack's national headquarters said that every store was out of walkie-talkies, and that customers were even buying Morse code keys, and asking how to type S-O-S.

Debate Rages On:

Continuing the tradition of debate associated with 2012, a diversity of intellectuals continued to bang their heads against one another.

Over the weekend, expert panels debated how The End might arrive. At the Javits Center in Manhattan, one group of professors, moderated by John Major Jenkins, pondered whether The End would come in dribs and drabs, or all at once.

One panelist said that the world could not possibly end Friday, because there is not enough time, though others argued that we would have assistance from space aliens with advanced destructive capabilities.

Willow of Web of Weeping Willow Astrology issued a statement in sky writing earlier this morning, which read, "This is all a crock of New Age bs." Sadly, it was not visible against the swarms of chemtrails crisscrossing the sky. But ascension expert David Wilcock countered that argument, saying on his podcast last night, "I told you something was happening. I knew it! Something really is happening! It really is!"

CNET, the high-tech site, was advising its users to print out their whole disk drive, in case The End arrives in the form of electromagnetic pulse from an air-burst nuclear weapon, solar flares which disrupt the power grid, or your laptop croaking.

"At least you will have a paper backup, if your disk drive is erased by the magnetic waves," the editors said.

The Doors have reserved Madison Square Garden for Thursday, Dec. 20, for their reunion concert, at which Jim Morrison is expected to play his final performance.

Apple announced last week that it would accelerate production of the iPhone 6, with an anticipated release on Thursday. Thousands of loyal customers were planning to spend their last week on Earth lined up to get one of the devices, which they would have approximately one day to use.

"I lost my job to get the iPhone 5," one customer said. "I'll give the last week of my life to have the iPhone 6."

(1) BREAKING NEWS!!!! Guatemala City — The Maya people are excited to finally release their new calendar for the next 5,125 years on December 21st, 2012. It’s a follow up to the popular Mayan calendar that’s been around for the last 5,125 years. This new edition will be released in both a stone and paperback version. It will also include a swimsuit edition featuring some of today’s most beautiful Maya woman.

The first Mayan calendar was published on August 13th, 3114 B.C. and was not received well by critics. Most of them pointing out that no one wants a calendar lasting more than a year or two. Also many critics were quick to say that it will probably freak some people out when December 21st, 2012 comes around.

Paul Horner, one of the senior editors on the new Mayan calendar project spoke to reporters today at a press conference in Guatemala City. “This new Mayan calendar is a must for any fans of the previous calendar. It would make a great gift or stocking stuffer for anyone young and old,” Horner said. “It’s been a real pleasure working with the Mayan people on this new calendar. From our family to yours, here’s wishing your next 5,125 years to be full of love and adventure.”

The paperback version of the new Mayan calendar will be approximately 61,500 pages long and include an elegant leather binding. The stone version weighs only 213 lbs and comes with a fine marble finish. Both the stone and paperback version will retail at $13,999.99 and can be bought online or at your local bookstore. For any questions please call the 24-hour Mayan Calendar Hotline at (555) 273-0325.


Enough said . . . Relax everyone.

Meanwhile, here in Ohio, it's 6pm. We have three weather alerts . . . wind is howling, snow on the way. Some guy is at the power company waiting to flip off the electric at midnight to scare the bejeezus out of everyone.

Mayans End of the world

1) Eric Fransis