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Closing The Loop

by Terrie M. Scott, October 28, 2012

Terrie ScottI am seriously considering ending my involvement with the Rectory, with the exception of taking care of the cats. I actually care about what becomes of them.

Last night, I sat down to evaluate my life based on those times that define us. I call them phases. The events or chapters that shape who we are and redefine us.

It wasn't a pretty picture. Life is painful, with the exception of my accomplishments and motherhood (College Conservatory of Music, Army, writing, films and animal rescue), my personal life has been less than a Hallmark movie of the Week. Tearing me apart bit by bit over time.

I actually rebounded there for awhile after Ashlee left home, faced with the uncertainty of my future and forced to deal with the crisis in our lives head on. I lost myself in animal rescue and writing novels of all sorts of variety, good therapy for the drama around me. Even all those nights watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on dvd with Rachel or the “Tenth Kingdom” with my girls will always be treasured memories, or our many films we made together.

So there was love and laughter woven in to the bad. I wasn't a perfect Mom by any means, but I devoted my life to my daughters and taught them everything I knew, shared my education with them from film to history and beyond.

But, at the end of the day, nothing could make up for the failures around us on so many levels. Although our clever Lord of the Rings parodies were momentary distractions from the the bad things, it was merely a bandaid on the big picture.

Through it all, I can honestly say I gave my all and did my best.

Finally, the pieces were in place for me to enter a new phase of my life, hopefully leaving all the pain behind.

The Rectory, for a short time, played a role in that. Thoughts of an Art Center sprang into mind with Rachel teaching ballroom dance classes and I could teach art, music, film and even offer acting classes. It then turned to the feasibility of me moving in, my safe haven. It was easy to fall in love with the building. And, I love restoration so this was a dream project.

I tried not to pay too much attention to the strange phenomena within the Rectory. I fancy myself a logical mind, not prone to such assumptions of ghost or ghouls. A skeptic to be sure. But, you reach a point in everyone's lives where you just can't deny the truth anymore.

Things were happening that I just could not explain. As if my own reality was not difficult and painful enough, I just added another spook factor on top of the layers. It was a lot to take in and comprehend.

Ever having to deal with things like this on and up close and personal level had never crossed my mind. However, when things got physical my perspective changed completely.

I can look back on that turning point now and realize that is when I should have backed away. My own refusal to believe that something unseen was capable of the events surrounding the Rectory hindered this decision. Even when it began affecting my life beyond the walls of the Rectory, I refused to believe. There's a difference between a normal every day drama and just a never ending string of bad luck.

All of a sudden it was like I had broken 100 mirrors, if you believe in that sort of thing. Nothing I did turned out right, everything around me fell apart. I have always managed to find good in a bad situation, hence M.A.R.S. Productions with my girls, but the Rectory was a different animal entirely. I could stand perfectly still in a room, unmoving and the ceiling would cave in around me, if you get the analogy.

Still I held on. I was a survivor, not a quitter. But, before I knew it, it had swallowed me hole. Such a negative energy becoming a focal point in my life. A battle that was not mine to win.

The Rectory was definitely not a good phase of my life. Renovating the building can not make up for the price it asks of you personally and spiritually to be there.

The Rectory is the great enabler.

May 2012 was my independence and supposedly the beginning of a more peaceful, healthier time in my life. So far it has been riddled with just more of the same. Dragging me back down to places I don't want to go.

I'm almost 50 yrs old. I think I'm entitled to a wee bit of tenderness in my life.

What do I want for myself? To focus on my writing. To be the writer I know I can be. I have so many ideas floating around in my head and I need to get them on paper, exploring my artistic endeavors. Most importantly, I will continue to dedicate myself to helping animals. I am unwavering on this cause. It may not pay a dime, but since when does one put a price tag on compassion? I am more than happy to volunteer my services to the needs of animal welfare and rescue. I like walking on the side of compassion and not the greedy. Seeing a severely abused animal learn to trust and play with a toy for the first time is all the reward I will ever need.

The two most important things in my life that I am most proud of did not come with a paycheck. I loved being a full time Mom and would not trade those memories for all the gold in the world. And, I love helping animals find kindness and forever homes, whether that's by helping our troops overseas with their pets or the sick and elderly needing to place their beloved furry family members.

Accentuate the positive. Focus on the future.

So, what now?  I'm not sure.